Religious-Based Humour

An Act Of God • The Veterinarian • Drive-thru Confessional • Bra Denominations • Christian One Liners • Mildred's Lesson

An Act Of God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is a act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but, when we get too much .... we wear rubbers!"

The Veterinarian

Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and two in Reno.

Drive-thru Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'TOOT' N TELL OR GO TO HELL' can't stay on the church roof."

What DENOMINATION is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Dillard's Department Store and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Baptist," said the man. "She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."

"Oh yes, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple ... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type."

"What does that do?" asked the man.

She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

He who angers you, controls you! - Always keep this one in mind!

"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation leans on the bell.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

Some minds are like concrete, all mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. (Noted)

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

When praying: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

"Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day!"

Mildred's Lesson...

Mildred, the small town church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...................... and left it there all night